A Change Would Do You Good

I hate change.

I am a very routine oriented person. I don't do well when that routine is skewed in any way. I'm surprised my parents didn't think I had a spectrum disorder as a child.

As I've gotten older, I've learned to bend a little bit. I think part of the rigidness came from having the typical only child syndrome. When my parents got remarried, I had to get used to having others schedules to work with. But I didn't go down without a fight; trust me.

With that being said, I also would like to say I am proud of myself for starting to embrace change in the past few years. I still see it as a necessary evil, but you have to change to help you grow, right? As comfortable as I was in certain situations, I wasn't necessarily happy. My previous relationship fits this scenario perfectly; I was very comfortable with the routine, but neither one of us was happy in the relationship, and neither one of us really had the guts to end it. Honestly, for the first three years, I was happy, and saw a future. Once I realized that we wanted very different things, I had to slowly come to the realization that it wasn't meant to be. I had to take a step into the unknown. By myself. Scary.

I've also realized that I have a defense mechanism for change. I call it the Onion. I start my process of change much as if someone would go through the Stages of Grief, and they go in no particular order. First comes the Thought of Change. With this thought comes (in my mind), what this change would look like. At first, it is good; there are rainbows, butterflies, and unicorns. And then, without warning, the butterflies are cannibalistic mosquitoes, the rainbows catch on fire, and the unicorns start charging at you, and that is when I enter the next stage: Panic. I see all of the things that can go wrong, but in my mind, I change it to the thought that it WILL go wrong. This stage is accompanied with a brown bag to hyperventilate in, and poor food choices. After that, I normally go into the third stage: Indecision. This stage could last from hours to infinity. I balance the pros and cons, then I pro and con the pros and cons. I find fault in all of it, and relapse back into stage 2. Once I get that cycle worked out, I start stage 4: Putting It Into Action. This stage always has several baby steps. The issue here is I verbalize and backtrack. I word vomit it out and then change my mind. Physical issues also come into play, and mood swings, as I battle this war within myself. I finish this up with Stage 5: Just Do It!
This is how I handled my move to Indianapolis, and this is how I handled the biggest change in a long time for me, by taking a job outside of my current company. I decided to start working with the homeless that are dealing with some severe mental health and substance abuse issues. I will also build a substance abuse program from the ground up to help these individuals get a fresh start and make better choices. I'm not going to lie, I have some anxiety about the position, and I went through all of the stages before deciding to take it. But I learned in the past few years that I'm not going to better myself if I don't take these chances. Deep down I know I'm capable of doing this, I just need to give myself a chance. I had a great eight years at my current location, and if it wasn't for this experience, I would be walking into a certain suicide mission. I've decided to embrace the challenge instead of walk away and wonder what might have been later. I'm getting out of my own way, and here's hoping for the best.