Hey everyone!
It's been a whirlwind past few weeks. I started at the new job this past Monday (the first few weeks were very repetitious orientation.) At first, I was really hesitant, and thought I had made a bad decision. But then this morning I was speaking to one of the care coordinators, and he shared that the position had been filled but quickly vacated when the new hire didn't have his required education. At that moment I realized it was one of those things that were meant to be. My fellow trainees and new coworkers are very nice, and you can tell that they are there for the client, which is nice. I'm also going through this with another person, so it's been nice to not feel like the odd person out by myself!
The wedding planning has pretty much been put on hold while I learn the ropes of the new job. The job I'm doing is going to be built from scratch, so I've been spending time brainstorming, seeing what resources are available, and how it would work with the population I'm going to serve. We were ahead with all of the planning anyway, so it's not like we're going to be behind. One thing that has really helped us is that we are paying for the vast majority of it ourselves. My parents have all pitched in, which has been helpful, but Richard and I are saving our money to make sure that we walk down the aisle without paying for that aisle for the next 5 years. I just don't understand why people want to slap something like a wedding on credit cards and then be thousands of dollars in debt. It's one day! Why would you want to start your life with someone and be up to your eyeballs in debt?! Makes absolutely no sense to me.
But I digress. The wedding planning had become frustrating to me. My version of doing things differs greatly than Richard's. I am very detail oriented, he's a general idea kind of guy. It causes frustration on both ends, but I think he's worried I'll stroke out and kind of submits. We've gotten the bands, the tuxes, and the honeymoon all figured out. Now we just need to figure out where we are going to put everyone, the cake, and the invites, and the major stuff is done. I really am thankful that I have some awesome bridesmaids and friends who allow me to word vomit all over them when I feel like I'm being swallowed alive in planning. It's nice when you've had people there that have done it before and can tell you what to focus on (the cake), and what doesn't need as much detail (the bridesmaid shoes).
Which brings me to the workouts. I have been doing fairly well with the diet. I had planned on dropping all carbs to help lose weight, but I've been working toward the 5k that's this weekend, and realized that would be asking for medical melodrama. The training isn't going the best, honestly. My foot and knee have been acting up, and one night I had a pretty severe exercise induced asthma attack. Thankfully, the 5k is a walk/jog, so I don't have to run. I plan on walk jogging the entire thing, but not push myself. I literally can't afford an injury right now, and my physical therapist said that my knee is actually declining in strength instead of increasing. He said it's probably from muscle fatigue. I've been trying to find a happy medium, and it seems to be working. I haven't lost any weight, but I haven't gained, and I can still see definition, so I know I'm doing something right. I figure after the 5k I will go back to the bariatric diet I did when I was about 6 months post op, which was not a lot of carbs, and a lot of protein. I also plan on upping the workouts after the 5k, and continue to mix it up so that way my muscles and I aren't bored. I'm doing it partly because of wanting to look good in THE dress, which already fits really nicely, and is actually a little big, but I just really enjoy knowing that I'm doing something for me, and having that me time where I can block it all out and focus on exercise. It's my free indulgence.
Ok, I've rambled. But tell me, what's your (semi) free indulgence? Hit the comments!
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
A Change Would Do You Good
I hate change.
I am a very routine oriented person. I don't do well when that routine is skewed in any way. I'm surprised my parents didn't think I had a spectrum disorder as a child.
As I've gotten older, I've learned to bend a little bit. I think part of the rigidness came from having the typical only child syndrome. When my parents got remarried, I had to get used to having others schedules to work with. But I didn't go down without a fight; trust me.
With that being said, I also would like to say I am proud of myself for starting to embrace change in the past few years. I still see it as a necessary evil, but you have to change to help you grow, right? As comfortable as I was in certain situations, I wasn't necessarily happy. My previous relationship fits this scenario perfectly; I was very comfortable with the routine, but neither one of us was happy in the relationship, and neither one of us really had the guts to end it. Honestly, for the first three years, I was happy, and saw a future. Once I realized that we wanted very different things, I had to slowly come to the realization that it wasn't meant to be. I had to take a step into the unknown. By myself. Scary.
I've also realized that I have a defense mechanism for change. I call it the Onion. I start my process of change much as if someone would go through the Stages of Grief, and they go in no particular order. First comes the Thought of Change. With this thought comes (in my mind), what this change would look like. At first, it is good; there are rainbows, butterflies, and unicorns. And then, without warning, the butterflies are cannibalistic mosquitoes, the rainbows catch on fire, and the unicorns start charging at you, and that is when I enter the next stage: Panic. I see all of the things that can go wrong, but in my mind, I change it to the thought that it WILL go wrong. This stage is accompanied with a brown bag to hyperventilate in, and poor food choices. After that, I normally go into the third stage: Indecision. This stage could last from hours to infinity. I balance the pros and cons, then I pro and con the pros and cons. I find fault in all of it, and relapse back into stage 2. Once I get that cycle worked out, I start stage 4: Putting It Into Action. This stage always has several baby steps. The issue here is I verbalize and backtrack. I word vomit it out and then change my mind. Physical issues also come into play, and mood swings, as I battle this war within myself. I finish this up with Stage 5: Just Do It!
This is how I handled my move to Indianapolis, and this is how I handled the biggest change in a long time for me, by taking a job outside of my current company. I decided to start working with the homeless that are dealing with some severe mental health and substance abuse issues. I will also build a substance abuse program from the ground up to help these individuals get a fresh start and make better choices. I'm not going to lie, I have some anxiety about the position, and I went through all of the stages before deciding to take it. But I learned in the past few years that I'm not going to better myself if I don't take these chances. Deep down I know I'm capable of doing this, I just need to give myself a chance. I had a great eight years at my current location, and if it wasn't for this experience, I would be walking into a certain suicide mission. I've decided to embrace the challenge instead of walk away and wonder what might have been later. I'm getting out of my own way, and here's hoping for the best.
I am a very routine oriented person. I don't do well when that routine is skewed in any way. I'm surprised my parents didn't think I had a spectrum disorder as a child.
As I've gotten older, I've learned to bend a little bit. I think part of the rigidness came from having the typical only child syndrome. When my parents got remarried, I had to get used to having others schedules to work with. But I didn't go down without a fight; trust me.
With that being said, I also would like to say I am proud of myself for starting to embrace change in the past few years. I still see it as a necessary evil, but you have to change to help you grow, right? As comfortable as I was in certain situations, I wasn't necessarily happy. My previous relationship fits this scenario perfectly; I was very comfortable with the routine, but neither one of us was happy in the relationship, and neither one of us really had the guts to end it. Honestly, for the first three years, I was happy, and saw a future. Once I realized that we wanted very different things, I had to slowly come to the realization that it wasn't meant to be. I had to take a step into the unknown. By myself. Scary.
I've also realized that I have a defense mechanism for change. I call it the Onion. I start my process of change much as if someone would go through the Stages of Grief, and they go in no particular order. First comes the Thought of Change. With this thought comes (in my mind), what this change would look like. At first, it is good; there are rainbows, butterflies, and unicorns. And then, without warning, the butterflies are cannibalistic mosquitoes, the rainbows catch on fire, and the unicorns start charging at you, and that is when I enter the next stage: Panic. I see all of the things that can go wrong, but in my mind, I change it to the thought that it WILL go wrong. This stage is accompanied with a brown bag to hyperventilate in, and poor food choices. After that, I normally go into the third stage: Indecision. This stage could last from hours to infinity. I balance the pros and cons, then I pro and con the pros and cons. I find fault in all of it, and relapse back into stage 2. Once I get that cycle worked out, I start stage 4: Putting It Into Action. This stage always has several baby steps. The issue here is I verbalize and backtrack. I word vomit it out and then change my mind. Physical issues also come into play, and mood swings, as I battle this war within myself. I finish this up with Stage 5: Just Do It!
This is how I handled my move to Indianapolis, and this is how I handled the biggest change in a long time for me, by taking a job outside of my current company. I decided to start working with the homeless that are dealing with some severe mental health and substance abuse issues. I will also build a substance abuse program from the ground up to help these individuals get a fresh start and make better choices. I'm not going to lie, I have some anxiety about the position, and I went through all of the stages before deciding to take it. But I learned in the past few years that I'm not going to better myself if I don't take these chances. Deep down I know I'm capable of doing this, I just need to give myself a chance. I had a great eight years at my current location, and if it wasn't for this experience, I would be walking into a certain suicide mission. I've decided to embrace the challenge instead of walk away and wonder what might have been later. I'm getting out of my own way, and here's hoping for the best.
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