Hey everyone!
It's been a whirlwind past few weeks. I started at the new job this past Monday (the first few weeks were very repetitious orientation.) At first, I was really hesitant, and thought I had made a bad decision. But then this morning I was speaking to one of the care coordinators, and he shared that the position had been filled but quickly vacated when the new hire didn't have his required education. At that moment I realized it was one of those things that were meant to be. My fellow trainees and new coworkers are very nice, and you can tell that they are there for the client, which is nice. I'm also going through this with another person, so it's been nice to not feel like the odd person out by myself!
The wedding planning has pretty much been put on hold while I learn the ropes of the new job. The job I'm doing is going to be built from scratch, so I've been spending time brainstorming, seeing what resources are available, and how it would work with the population I'm going to serve. We were ahead with all of the planning anyway, so it's not like we're going to be behind. One thing that has really helped us is that we are paying for the vast majority of it ourselves. My parents have all pitched in, which has been helpful, but Richard and I are saving our money to make sure that we walk down the aisle without paying for that aisle for the next 5 years. I just don't understand why people want to slap something like a wedding on credit cards and then be thousands of dollars in debt. It's one day! Why would you want to start your life with someone and be up to your eyeballs in debt?! Makes absolutely no sense to me.
But I digress. The wedding planning had become frustrating to me. My version of doing things differs greatly than Richard's. I am very detail oriented, he's a general idea kind of guy. It causes frustration on both ends, but I think he's worried I'll stroke out and kind of submits. We've gotten the bands, the tuxes, and the honeymoon all figured out. Now we just need to figure out where we are going to put everyone, the cake, and the invites, and the major stuff is done. I really am thankful that I have some awesome bridesmaids and friends who allow me to word vomit all over them when I feel like I'm being swallowed alive in planning. It's nice when you've had people there that have done it before and can tell you what to focus on (the cake), and what doesn't need as much detail (the bridesmaid shoes).
Which brings me to the workouts. I have been doing fairly well with the diet. I had planned on dropping all carbs to help lose weight, but I've been working toward the 5k that's this weekend, and realized that would be asking for medical melodrama. The training isn't going the best, honestly. My foot and knee have been acting up, and one night I had a pretty severe exercise induced asthma attack. Thankfully, the 5k is a walk/jog, so I don't have to run. I plan on walk jogging the entire thing, but not push myself. I literally can't afford an injury right now, and my physical therapist said that my knee is actually declining in strength instead of increasing. He said it's probably from muscle fatigue. I've been trying to find a happy medium, and it seems to be working. I haven't lost any weight, but I haven't gained, and I can still see definition, so I know I'm doing something right. I figure after the 5k I will go back to the bariatric diet I did when I was about 6 months post op, which was not a lot of carbs, and a lot of protein. I also plan on upping the workouts after the 5k, and continue to mix it up so that way my muscles and I aren't bored. I'm doing it partly because of wanting to look good in THE dress, which already fits really nicely, and is actually a little big, but I just really enjoy knowing that I'm doing something for me, and having that me time where I can block it all out and focus on exercise. It's my free indulgence.
Ok, I've rambled. But tell me, what's your (semi) free indulgence? Hit the comments!
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
A Change Would Do You Good
I hate change.
I am a very routine oriented person. I don't do well when that routine is skewed in any way. I'm surprised my parents didn't think I had a spectrum disorder as a child.
As I've gotten older, I've learned to bend a little bit. I think part of the rigidness came from having the typical only child syndrome. When my parents got remarried, I had to get used to having others schedules to work with. But I didn't go down without a fight; trust me.
With that being said, I also would like to say I am proud of myself for starting to embrace change in the past few years. I still see it as a necessary evil, but you have to change to help you grow, right? As comfortable as I was in certain situations, I wasn't necessarily happy. My previous relationship fits this scenario perfectly; I was very comfortable with the routine, but neither one of us was happy in the relationship, and neither one of us really had the guts to end it. Honestly, for the first three years, I was happy, and saw a future. Once I realized that we wanted very different things, I had to slowly come to the realization that it wasn't meant to be. I had to take a step into the unknown. By myself. Scary.
I've also realized that I have a defense mechanism for change. I call it the Onion. I start my process of change much as if someone would go through the Stages of Grief, and they go in no particular order. First comes the Thought of Change. With this thought comes (in my mind), what this change would look like. At first, it is good; there are rainbows, butterflies, and unicorns. And then, without warning, the butterflies are cannibalistic mosquitoes, the rainbows catch on fire, and the unicorns start charging at you, and that is when I enter the next stage: Panic. I see all of the things that can go wrong, but in my mind, I change it to the thought that it WILL go wrong. This stage is accompanied with a brown bag to hyperventilate in, and poor food choices. After that, I normally go into the third stage: Indecision. This stage could last from hours to infinity. I balance the pros and cons, then I pro and con the pros and cons. I find fault in all of it, and relapse back into stage 2. Once I get that cycle worked out, I start stage 4: Putting It Into Action. This stage always has several baby steps. The issue here is I verbalize and backtrack. I word vomit it out and then change my mind. Physical issues also come into play, and mood swings, as I battle this war within myself. I finish this up with Stage 5: Just Do It!
This is how I handled my move to Indianapolis, and this is how I handled the biggest change in a long time for me, by taking a job outside of my current company. I decided to start working with the homeless that are dealing with some severe mental health and substance abuse issues. I will also build a substance abuse program from the ground up to help these individuals get a fresh start and make better choices. I'm not going to lie, I have some anxiety about the position, and I went through all of the stages before deciding to take it. But I learned in the past few years that I'm not going to better myself if I don't take these chances. Deep down I know I'm capable of doing this, I just need to give myself a chance. I had a great eight years at my current location, and if it wasn't for this experience, I would be walking into a certain suicide mission. I've decided to embrace the challenge instead of walk away and wonder what might have been later. I'm getting out of my own way, and here's hoping for the best.
I am a very routine oriented person. I don't do well when that routine is skewed in any way. I'm surprised my parents didn't think I had a spectrum disorder as a child.
As I've gotten older, I've learned to bend a little bit. I think part of the rigidness came from having the typical only child syndrome. When my parents got remarried, I had to get used to having others schedules to work with. But I didn't go down without a fight; trust me.
With that being said, I also would like to say I am proud of myself for starting to embrace change in the past few years. I still see it as a necessary evil, but you have to change to help you grow, right? As comfortable as I was in certain situations, I wasn't necessarily happy. My previous relationship fits this scenario perfectly; I was very comfortable with the routine, but neither one of us was happy in the relationship, and neither one of us really had the guts to end it. Honestly, for the first three years, I was happy, and saw a future. Once I realized that we wanted very different things, I had to slowly come to the realization that it wasn't meant to be. I had to take a step into the unknown. By myself. Scary.
I've also realized that I have a defense mechanism for change. I call it the Onion. I start my process of change much as if someone would go through the Stages of Grief, and they go in no particular order. First comes the Thought of Change. With this thought comes (in my mind), what this change would look like. At first, it is good; there are rainbows, butterflies, and unicorns. And then, without warning, the butterflies are cannibalistic mosquitoes, the rainbows catch on fire, and the unicorns start charging at you, and that is when I enter the next stage: Panic. I see all of the things that can go wrong, but in my mind, I change it to the thought that it WILL go wrong. This stage is accompanied with a brown bag to hyperventilate in, and poor food choices. After that, I normally go into the third stage: Indecision. This stage could last from hours to infinity. I balance the pros and cons, then I pro and con the pros and cons. I find fault in all of it, and relapse back into stage 2. Once I get that cycle worked out, I start stage 4: Putting It Into Action. This stage always has several baby steps. The issue here is I verbalize and backtrack. I word vomit it out and then change my mind. Physical issues also come into play, and mood swings, as I battle this war within myself. I finish this up with Stage 5: Just Do It!
This is how I handled my move to Indianapolis, and this is how I handled the biggest change in a long time for me, by taking a job outside of my current company. I decided to start working with the homeless that are dealing with some severe mental health and substance abuse issues. I will also build a substance abuse program from the ground up to help these individuals get a fresh start and make better choices. I'm not going to lie, I have some anxiety about the position, and I went through all of the stages before deciding to take it. But I learned in the past few years that I'm not going to better myself if I don't take these chances. Deep down I know I'm capable of doing this, I just need to give myself a chance. I had a great eight years at my current location, and if it wasn't for this experience, I would be walking into a certain suicide mission. I've decided to embrace the challenge instead of walk away and wonder what might have been later. I'm getting out of my own way, and here's hoping for the best.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Life's Quotes
It's been awhile! Hope things are good for everyone!
As many people know, I love to collect quotes. I see them as God's way of giving us an instant pick-me-up. But let's be honest, that can be hard to remember when you are going through a tough time. The last few months I have done a lot of growing. I feel like I've taken all of these tools that I learned in school the past few years and have really been applying them to my life. Some of the things have been tough to look at, but I'm proud of the progress and outcomes.
The quote that has been sticking with me lately is "It's never too late to be what you might have been." This really revealed itself to me this week in the oddest of places: my job.
The past few weeks at my job have been really stressful. We've had a lot of people out of the office, I've been sick, the weather has been bad to commute in, etc. I also re-injured my knee a few weeks ago, and I've been trying to get in a certain number of workouts a week, but it hurts too bad and I have to stop. It's taken a toll on me mentally and physically. The other night Richard was gone and there was a problem with our pipes, and I told him "I can't do anything right. I break stuff, what I do isn't good enough, I feel inadequate." He assured me that it's just my perfectionist side coming out (which is true). But I hate feeling like I'm not doing well in my job. I love what I do, and I hate when I feel like I'm not getting anything across to the people I help.
With this dejected mindset, I walked into work to do my group. When I went to give them a break, one of them came up to me and said she had something to show me. This is what she showed me
Isn't it amazing? The cake was made from scratch. I'm not going to lie, I teared up when I saw it. Here I was, feeling like a total fraud at my job, and I had touched someone. The client told me it was the first time they had made a cake sober in several years, and they finally felt a sense of accomplishment and pride. They were proof that it wasn't too late for them to be what they might have been. They were doing it!
It set a positive tone for the rest of my week, and showed me that it's not too late for me to turn a negative situation around (even one from my own head) and be what I want to be. It was (literally) a sweet reward, and one that I will remember for the rest of my life.
What about you? What is it that you want to be?
As many people know, I love to collect quotes. I see them as God's way of giving us an instant pick-me-up. But let's be honest, that can be hard to remember when you are going through a tough time. The last few months I have done a lot of growing. I feel like I've taken all of these tools that I learned in school the past few years and have really been applying them to my life. Some of the things have been tough to look at, but I'm proud of the progress and outcomes.
The quote that has been sticking with me lately is "It's never too late to be what you might have been." This really revealed itself to me this week in the oddest of places: my job.
The past few weeks at my job have been really stressful. We've had a lot of people out of the office, I've been sick, the weather has been bad to commute in, etc. I also re-injured my knee a few weeks ago, and I've been trying to get in a certain number of workouts a week, but it hurts too bad and I have to stop. It's taken a toll on me mentally and physically. The other night Richard was gone and there was a problem with our pipes, and I told him "I can't do anything right. I break stuff, what I do isn't good enough, I feel inadequate." He assured me that it's just my perfectionist side coming out (which is true). But I hate feeling like I'm not doing well in my job. I love what I do, and I hate when I feel like I'm not getting anything across to the people I help.
With this dejected mindset, I walked into work to do my group. When I went to give them a break, one of them came up to me and said she had something to show me. This is what she showed me
Isn't it amazing? The cake was made from scratch. I'm not going to lie, I teared up when I saw it. Here I was, feeling like a total fraud at my job, and I had touched someone. The client told me it was the first time they had made a cake sober in several years, and they finally felt a sense of accomplishment and pride. They were proof that it wasn't too late for them to be what they might have been. They were doing it!
It set a positive tone for the rest of my week, and showed me that it's not too late for me to turn a negative situation around (even one from my own head) and be what I want to be. It was (literally) a sweet reward, and one that I will remember for the rest of my life.
What about you? What is it that you want to be?
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
I'm Eloping!
Gotcha!!!
But some days I seriously consider it. Usually after I have sat and attempted to figure something wedding related out, like what the different types of flowers are (I know of lillies, roses, tulips, those dandelion thingys that grow like crazy in the spring, and those yellow flowers. That's it!)
So if I am driving myself crazy with wedding details, why do I continue to do it? Richard. He wants to make sure that I get the wedding I want, and is afraid I would be unhappy if I didn't have an actual ceremony. And deep down I know he's right (but don't tell him, I don't want him to have too much credit.) And part of me thinks he's enjoying the planning a bit too much. For someone who didn't care about the details, he sure has input, although I did veto the saloon themed wedding with a KFC catered reception. I have standards!
How do you keep yourself from going crazy? Since I feel I am the only woman I know that has never been married, I get plenty of advice, some welcome, some unwelcomed. It's part of the deal, I guess. And then the "When's your next day off" comment pops out of my mouth and we debate it all over again.
Besides Richard reminding me why we should have a ceremony, another person stops me from just running off to Vegas and calling it done: my Dad. While he is all for whatever I want to do, and I appreciate that, I've always had the vision of him giving me away, and having that first dance together. I know it sounds weird, but when I was little my dad used to do a lot of weddings, and I would go along. I always made him dance with me during the slow songs and tell him it was practice for my big day. I feel like I wouldn't be keeping up my end of the bargain, and the same magic wouldn't be there if we had the reception later.
I guess it comes down to putting it all in perspective. I want to share my joy and happiness of marrying my perfect match with the people who have been there with me through our jouney...and in some cases, both attempts to get to the altar. I just hope y'all like 80's hair bands....
But some days I seriously consider it. Usually after I have sat and attempted to figure something wedding related out, like what the different types of flowers are (I know of lillies, roses, tulips, those dandelion thingys that grow like crazy in the spring, and those yellow flowers. That's it!)
So if I am driving myself crazy with wedding details, why do I continue to do it? Richard. He wants to make sure that I get the wedding I want, and is afraid I would be unhappy if I didn't have an actual ceremony. And deep down I know he's right (but don't tell him, I don't want him to have too much credit.) And part of me thinks he's enjoying the planning a bit too much. For someone who didn't care about the details, he sure has input, although I did veto the saloon themed wedding with a KFC catered reception. I have standards!
How do you keep yourself from going crazy? Since I feel I am the only woman I know that has never been married, I get plenty of advice, some welcome, some unwelcomed. It's part of the deal, I guess. And then the "When's your next day off" comment pops out of my mouth and we debate it all over again.
Besides Richard reminding me why we should have a ceremony, another person stops me from just running off to Vegas and calling it done: my Dad. While he is all for whatever I want to do, and I appreciate that, I've always had the vision of him giving me away, and having that first dance together. I know it sounds weird, but when I was little my dad used to do a lot of weddings, and I would go along. I always made him dance with me during the slow songs and tell him it was practice for my big day. I feel like I wouldn't be keeping up my end of the bargain, and the same magic wouldn't be there if we had the reception later.
I guess it comes down to putting it all in perspective. I want to share my joy and happiness of marrying my perfect match with the people who have been there with me through our jouney...and in some cases, both attempts to get to the altar. I just hope y'all like 80's hair bands....
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
For a Little Taste of Fall
I love Fall! It's a great time of the year. Leaves changing, Halloween, crisp mornings, and a good excuse to cuddle! But, with that can also come LOTS of eating, such as Halloween candy, Thanksgiving, and making heavier dinners since it's cooler out. So, I decided that I would share a yummy protein drink recipe for you. It's bariatric friendly, so if you decide to substitute anything, then plan to adjust the nutritional value. I've tried this recipe myself last fall, and I did it without the ginger and cloves, and it was yummy, and filling. Try it and let me know what you think!!
Pumpkin Protein Shake (meal replacement)
1 cup water
1/4 cup fat-free half & half
1 scoop Perfect Natural Isopure Vanilla protein powder
1/4 cup pure pumpkin puree
1/4 cup frozen sugar-free whipped topping, thawed
2-3 tablespoons Splenda Granular
1/2 teaspoon pumpkin pie spice (or 1/4 teaspoon cinnamon, 1/8 teaspoon each ginger and cloves)
6 ice cubes
In a blender combine the water, half & half, Isopure Vanilla, pumpkin, whipped topping, Splenda, spices, and ice cubes. Process until smooth and thick. Serve with a sprinkle of cinnamon on top. Makes one serving.
Per Serving: 220 Cal; 25 g Protein; 5 g Tot Fat; 14 g Carb; 2 g Fiber; 6 g Sugar; 140 mg Sodium
Pumpkin Protein Shake (meal replacement)
1 cup water
1/4 cup fat-free half & half
1 scoop Perfect Natural Isopure Vanilla protein powder
1/4 cup pure pumpkin puree
1/4 cup frozen sugar-free whipped topping, thawed
2-3 tablespoons Splenda Granular
1/2 teaspoon pumpkin pie spice (or 1/4 teaspoon cinnamon, 1/8 teaspoon each ginger and cloves)
6 ice cubes
In a blender combine the water, half & half, Isopure Vanilla, pumpkin, whipped topping, Splenda, spices, and ice cubes. Process until smooth and thick. Serve with a sprinkle of cinnamon on top. Makes one serving.
Per Serving: 220 Cal; 25 g Protein; 5 g Tot Fat; 14 g Carb; 2 g Fiber; 6 g Sugar; 140 mg Sodium
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Weddings and Funerals
Hey everyone!
Yesterday I went to support a friend who just lost her grandmother. I had mentioned that it had been a while since we had really sat and chatted and she replied "Yeah, the only time you ever see people anymore are weddings and funerals."
As odd as it sounded, she's right.
I get invitations to attend weddings of friends that I haven't heard from in a while. I appreciate the gesture, but I find it awkward to attend someones soiree if I haven't really seen them in at least a year, or keep in regular contact with them. But for whatever reason, weddings and funerals bring people out of the wood work.
Since announcing my engagement, I've had several people share that they are excited about the wedding. While I appreciate that they are happy for me, that doesn't guarantee that they will be attending. It may sound harsh, but I'm not inviting you if the last time we really hung out was me pushing you on a swing, sitting next to you in a class, etc. It would just be impossible.
Same with funerals. When my grandmother passed away, I had several people remember me, but I had no clue who THEY were. They remembered me when I was a young kid, or being involved in my dad's church, but the conversation was one sided. How can you ask about people you don't remember? (If you know a way, please share, it would make awkward pleasantries much smoother.)
I guess my point is: why do people lose contact for months, years, decades, and then come around only when you are experiencing great joy or sorrow? And why is it that once the event has passed, you go back to your own life? Why do people not stick around after reconnecting?
As all of this was swirling around in my little noggin, I thought "Am I to this stage of my life already? When did THAT happen! HOW did that happen!?" Between Facebook, email, texting, video chat, and Twitter, along with the good old snail mail, how do we still lose contact? You hear so many stories of people reconnecting on a social network and getting married (I being one of those people), so it jarred me to think that people are still losing touch, or not keeping in touch, in spite of how easy it is any more.
On the flip side, just because you have these outlets doesn't mean that you still really know the person. I mean come on, people post their wedding, pregnancy, baby, kid, family, pet, vacation, and boredom pics online constantly. Doesn't mean I know them any better, other than they got married, pregnant, had the kid, got a dog, went to Zimbabwe, and got bored. But what about their spouse, and kids, and family? People change, outlooks change, priorities change. That's not really something you can grasp in the virtual world.
Due to our school and work and distance, I haven't really seen my friend face to face much. But in just the last few interactions I have had with her, she's still the same girl I knew when we were 15; she still loves to crack jokes, is kind of a spazz, and has an odd fixation with guinea pigs. But she also, for I feel the first time, is dating someone who loves all of that and keeps her grounded, and compliments her personality without trying to extinguish her core fun loving personality. Facebook doesn't show me that. Facebook just shows me the surface.
What about you? Are you guilty of swooping in on moments of joy and sorrow only to duck back out? Why? Hit the comments and let me know, and then for Heaven's sake get up from your computer and catch up over some coffee with an old friend!! :)
Yesterday I went to support a friend who just lost her grandmother. I had mentioned that it had been a while since we had really sat and chatted and she replied "Yeah, the only time you ever see people anymore are weddings and funerals."
As odd as it sounded, she's right.
I get invitations to attend weddings of friends that I haven't heard from in a while. I appreciate the gesture, but I find it awkward to attend someones soiree if I haven't really seen them in at least a year, or keep in regular contact with them. But for whatever reason, weddings and funerals bring people out of the wood work.
Since announcing my engagement, I've had several people share that they are excited about the wedding. While I appreciate that they are happy for me, that doesn't guarantee that they will be attending. It may sound harsh, but I'm not inviting you if the last time we really hung out was me pushing you on a swing, sitting next to you in a class, etc. It would just be impossible.
Same with funerals. When my grandmother passed away, I had several people remember me, but I had no clue who THEY were. They remembered me when I was a young kid, or being involved in my dad's church, but the conversation was one sided. How can you ask about people you don't remember? (If you know a way, please share, it would make awkward pleasantries much smoother.)
I guess my point is: why do people lose contact for months, years, decades, and then come around only when you are experiencing great joy or sorrow? And why is it that once the event has passed, you go back to your own life? Why do people not stick around after reconnecting?
As all of this was swirling around in my little noggin, I thought "Am I to this stage of my life already? When did THAT happen! HOW did that happen!?" Between Facebook, email, texting, video chat, and Twitter, along with the good old snail mail, how do we still lose contact? You hear so many stories of people reconnecting on a social network and getting married (I being one of those people), so it jarred me to think that people are still losing touch, or not keeping in touch, in spite of how easy it is any more.
On the flip side, just because you have these outlets doesn't mean that you still really know the person. I mean come on, people post their wedding, pregnancy, baby, kid, family, pet, vacation, and boredom pics online constantly. Doesn't mean I know them any better, other than they got married, pregnant, had the kid, got a dog, went to Zimbabwe, and got bored. But what about their spouse, and kids, and family? People change, outlooks change, priorities change. That's not really something you can grasp in the virtual world.
Due to our school and work and distance, I haven't really seen my friend face to face much. But in just the last few interactions I have had with her, she's still the same girl I knew when we were 15; she still loves to crack jokes, is kind of a spazz, and has an odd fixation with guinea pigs. But she also, for I feel the first time, is dating someone who loves all of that and keeps her grounded, and compliments her personality without trying to extinguish her core fun loving personality. Facebook doesn't show me that. Facebook just shows me the surface.
What about you? Are you guilty of swooping in on moments of joy and sorrow only to duck back out? Why? Hit the comments and let me know, and then for Heaven's sake get up from your computer and catch up over some coffee with an old friend!! :)
Monday, September 27, 2010
The Human Condition
Today's post may sound a bit....academic. I guess I have a void from not writing a paper in a few months, so forgive me in advance.
This past weekend I bought the new Psychology Today. It was talking about Aha Moments. Those moments where something happens that alters your life, and shows you a different worldview. The article stated that everyone is wired to have them, and that they are referred to as peak experiences, and that everyone has them on a different level. Some people get them from climbing a mountain, others get them from reaching out to someone and starting a relationship. But they often involve an epiphany that occurs suddenly, and leads us to have insight that is new and deeply meaningful. It causes what professionals call a quantum change, which is when a sudden realization leads to an immediate behavioral reorganization. It can also show us the limits that we have set for ourselves and show us that we are capable of something that we didn't think we were.
As I was reading this, I thought about the past few years. I was the fat, unhappy, unhealthy binge eater in an extremely unhealthy relationship. Nothing against my ex, but I felt like no one else would love someone who was so damaged, so I stayed, thinking that was it for me. Then I had my knee surgery, which led to me getting sick. I had my epiphany in the hospital after an exchange with my now ex, when I knew that if he loved me he wouldn't have said what he did. And if I loved myself I would never have allowed things to get this way.
Within a few days after getting out of the hospital, I finished up my application for my Master's degree that I had originally decided I wasn't smart enough for. I was the last person accepted into the program. I knew at that moment that was all the affirmation I needed to get out of my relationship, do something about the unhappiness, figure out a way to change my eating, and just let all of that stuff go. It's true: psychology students go to become psychologists to work out their own issues. I'm no exception. It led me to decide to have the bariatric surgery, to start a new relationship with someone who genuinely did care for me, and change up my friends. I even had to distance myself from my family and just grow. How could I help others if I couldn't help myself because I didn't know who Sara was? How could I be the best daughter, sister, friend, whatever, because I was too focused on how unhappy I was, and was doing nothing to change it?
Within two years, I have finished that degree, met my future husband who loves me despite my ups and downs, have cut ties with all of the toxic people that I let get to me, lost weight and have kept it off, and enjoy life. I'm also more honest with others and myself. That I'm still working on. Sure, I have my down days, but they are nothing compared to my past. The self-destructiveness isn't there, or at least not as severe. I am happy that I was able to have my moment at the age I did, and the circumstances surrounding it. I'm not out to change THE world, I'm out to change MY world. My future is bright because I'm choosing for it to be.
What are your Aha moments? What did you do about them? Are you changing your world? Hit up the comments!
This past weekend I bought the new Psychology Today. It was talking about Aha Moments. Those moments where something happens that alters your life, and shows you a different worldview. The article stated that everyone is wired to have them, and that they are referred to as peak experiences, and that everyone has them on a different level. Some people get them from climbing a mountain, others get them from reaching out to someone and starting a relationship. But they often involve an epiphany that occurs suddenly, and leads us to have insight that is new and deeply meaningful. It causes what professionals call a quantum change, which is when a sudden realization leads to an immediate behavioral reorganization. It can also show us the limits that we have set for ourselves and show us that we are capable of something that we didn't think we were.
As I was reading this, I thought about the past few years. I was the fat, unhappy, unhealthy binge eater in an extremely unhealthy relationship. Nothing against my ex, but I felt like no one else would love someone who was so damaged, so I stayed, thinking that was it for me. Then I had my knee surgery, which led to me getting sick. I had my epiphany in the hospital after an exchange with my now ex, when I knew that if he loved me he wouldn't have said what he did. And if I loved myself I would never have allowed things to get this way.
Within a few days after getting out of the hospital, I finished up my application for my Master's degree that I had originally decided I wasn't smart enough for. I was the last person accepted into the program. I knew at that moment that was all the affirmation I needed to get out of my relationship, do something about the unhappiness, figure out a way to change my eating, and just let all of that stuff go. It's true: psychology students go to become psychologists to work out their own issues. I'm no exception. It led me to decide to have the bariatric surgery, to start a new relationship with someone who genuinely did care for me, and change up my friends. I even had to distance myself from my family and just grow. How could I help others if I couldn't help myself because I didn't know who Sara was? How could I be the best daughter, sister, friend, whatever, because I was too focused on how unhappy I was, and was doing nothing to change it?
Within two years, I have finished that degree, met my future husband who loves me despite my ups and downs, have cut ties with all of the toxic people that I let get to me, lost weight and have kept it off, and enjoy life. I'm also more honest with others and myself. That I'm still working on. Sure, I have my down days, but they are nothing compared to my past. The self-destructiveness isn't there, or at least not as severe. I am happy that I was able to have my moment at the age I did, and the circumstances surrounding it. I'm not out to change THE world, I'm out to change MY world. My future is bright because I'm choosing for it to be.
What are your Aha moments? What did you do about them? Are you changing your world? Hit up the comments!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)