A Change Would Do You Good

I hate change.

I am a very routine oriented person. I don't do well when that routine is skewed in any way. I'm surprised my parents didn't think I had a spectrum disorder as a child.

As I've gotten older, I've learned to bend a little bit. I think part of the rigidness came from having the typical only child syndrome. When my parents got remarried, I had to get used to having others schedules to work with. But I didn't go down without a fight; trust me.

With that being said, I also would like to say I am proud of myself for starting to embrace change in the past few years. I still see it as a necessary evil, but you have to change to help you grow, right? As comfortable as I was in certain situations, I wasn't necessarily happy. My previous relationship fits this scenario perfectly; I was very comfortable with the routine, but neither one of us was happy in the relationship, and neither one of us really had the guts to end it. Honestly, for the first three years, I was happy, and saw a future. Once I realized that we wanted very different things, I had to slowly come to the realization that it wasn't meant to be. I had to take a step into the unknown. By myself. Scary.

I've also realized that I have a defense mechanism for change. I call it the Onion. I start my process of change much as if someone would go through the Stages of Grief, and they go in no particular order. First comes the Thought of Change. With this thought comes (in my mind), what this change would look like. At first, it is good; there are rainbows, butterflies, and unicorns. And then, without warning, the butterflies are cannibalistic mosquitoes, the rainbows catch on fire, and the unicorns start charging at you, and that is when I enter the next stage: Panic. I see all of the things that can go wrong, but in my mind, I change it to the thought that it WILL go wrong. This stage is accompanied with a brown bag to hyperventilate in, and poor food choices. After that, I normally go into the third stage: Indecision. This stage could last from hours to infinity. I balance the pros and cons, then I pro and con the pros and cons. I find fault in all of it, and relapse back into stage 2. Once I get that cycle worked out, I start stage 4: Putting It Into Action. This stage always has several baby steps. The issue here is I verbalize and backtrack. I word vomit it out and then change my mind. Physical issues also come into play, and mood swings, as I battle this war within myself. I finish this up with Stage 5: Just Do It!
This is how I handled my move to Indianapolis, and this is how I handled the biggest change in a long time for me, by taking a job outside of my current company. I decided to start working with the homeless that are dealing with some severe mental health and substance abuse issues. I will also build a substance abuse program from the ground up to help these individuals get a fresh start and make better choices. I'm not going to lie, I have some anxiety about the position, and I went through all of the stages before deciding to take it. But I learned in the past few years that I'm not going to better myself if I don't take these chances. Deep down I know I'm capable of doing this, I just need to give myself a chance. I had a great eight years at my current location, and if it wasn't for this experience, I would be walking into a certain suicide mission. I've decided to embrace the challenge instead of walk away and wonder what might have been later. I'm getting out of my own way, and here's hoping for the best.

Weddings and Funerals

Hey everyone!


Yesterday I went to support a friend who just lost her grandmother. I had mentioned that it had been a while since we had really sat and chatted and she replied "Yeah, the only time you ever see people anymore are weddings and funerals."

As odd as it sounded, she's right.

I get invitations to attend weddings of friends that I haven't heard from in a while. I appreciate the gesture, but I find it awkward to attend someones soiree if I haven't really seen them in at least a year, or keep in regular contact with them. But for whatever reason, weddings and funerals bring people out of the wood work.

Since announcing my engagement, I've had several people share that they are excited about the wedding. While I appreciate that they are happy for me, that doesn't guarantee that they will be attending. It may sound harsh, but I'm not inviting you if the last time we really hung out was me pushing you on a swing, sitting next to you in a class, etc. It would just be impossible.

Same with funerals. When my grandmother passed away, I had several people remember me, but I had no clue who THEY were. They remembered me when I was a young kid, or being involved in my dad's church, but the conversation was one sided. How can you ask about people you don't remember? (If you know a way, please share, it would make awkward pleasantries much smoother.)

I guess my point is: why do people lose contact for months, years, decades, and then come around only when you are experiencing great joy or sorrow? And why is it that once the event has passed, you go back to your own life? Why do people not stick around after reconnecting?

As all of this was swirling around in my little noggin, I thought "Am I to this stage of my life already? When did THAT happen! HOW did that happen!?" Between Facebook, email, texting, video chat, and Twitter, along with the good old snail mail, how do we still lose contact? You hear so many stories of people reconnecting on a social network and getting married (I being one of those people), so it jarred me to think that people are still losing touch, or not keeping in touch, in spite of how easy it is any more.

On the flip side, just because you have these outlets doesn't mean that you still really know the person. I mean come on, people post their wedding, pregnancy, baby, kid, family, pet, vacation, and boredom pics online constantly. Doesn't mean I know them any better, other than they got married, pregnant, had the kid, got a dog, went to Zimbabwe, and got bored. But what about their spouse, and kids, and family? People change, outlooks change, priorities change. That's not really something you can grasp in the virtual world.

Due to our school and work and distance, I haven't really seen my friend face to face much. But in just the last few interactions I have had with her, she's still the same girl I knew when we were 15; she still loves to crack jokes, is kind of a spazz, and has an odd fixation with guinea pigs. But she also, for I feel the first time, is dating someone who loves all of that and keeps her grounded, and compliments her personality without trying to extinguish her core fun loving personality. Facebook doesn't show me that. Facebook just shows me the surface.

What about you? Are you guilty of swooping in on moments of joy and sorrow only to duck back out? Why? Hit the comments and let me know, and then for Heaven's sake get up from your computer and catch up over some coffee with an old friend!! :)

The Human Condition

Today's post may sound a bit....academic. I guess I have a void from not writing a paper in a few months, so forgive me in advance.

This past weekend I bought the new Psychology Today. It was talking about Aha Moments. Those moments where something happens that alters your life, and shows you a different worldview. The article stated that everyone is wired to have them, and that they are referred to as peak experiences, and that everyone has them on a different level. Some people get them from climbing a mountain, others get them from reaching out to someone and starting a relationship. But they often involve an epiphany that occurs suddenly, and leads us to have insight that is new and deeply meaningful. It causes what professionals call a quantum change, which is when a sudden realization leads to an immediate behavioral reorganization. It can also show us the limits that we have set for ourselves and show us that we are capable of something that we didn't think we were.

As I was reading this, I thought about the past few years. I was the fat, unhappy, unhealthy binge eater in an extremely unhealthy relationship. Nothing against my ex, but I felt like no one else would love someone who was so damaged, so I stayed, thinking that was it for me. Then I had my knee surgery, which led to me getting sick. I had my epiphany in the hospital after an exchange with my now ex, when I knew that if he loved me he wouldn't have said what he did. And if I loved myself I would never have allowed things to get this way.

Within a few days after getting out of the hospital, I finished up my application for my Master's degree that I had originally decided I wasn't smart enough for. I was the last person accepted into the program. I knew at that moment that was all the affirmation I needed to get out of my relationship, do something about the unhappiness, figure out a way to change my eating, and just let all of that stuff go. It's true: psychology students go to become psychologists to work out their own issues. I'm no exception. It led me to decide to have the bariatric surgery, to start a new relationship with someone who genuinely did care for me, and change up my friends. I even had to distance myself from my family and just grow. How could I help others if I couldn't help myself because I didn't know who Sara was? How could I be the best daughter, sister, friend, whatever, because I was too focused on how unhappy I was, and was doing nothing to change it?

Within two years, I have finished that degree, met my future husband who loves me despite my ups and downs, have cut ties with all of the toxic people that I let get to me, lost weight and have kept it off, and enjoy life. I'm also more honest with others and myself. That I'm still working on. Sure, I have my down days, but they are nothing compared to my past. The self-destructiveness isn't there, or at least not as severe. I am happy that I was able to have my moment at the age I did, and the circumstances surrounding it. I'm not out to change THE world, I'm out to change MY world. My future is bright because I'm choosing for it to be.

What are your Aha moments? What did you do about them? Are you changing your world? Hit up the comments!

Overly Thoroughly Modern Millie

Today may come off as kind of a rant, just FYI.

Technology can be a blessing and a curse. It comes in handy when we are lost, to get a quick reference, or to send off a quick email or text. But lately, I think technology may have hit the too much of a good thing area.

I'm going to pick on Facebook for this example. A few weeks ago they started this Facebook Places invention, where you can check in and show your destination. My question: is nothing sacred?! Do you like allowing yourself to be stalked? Do you think people actually care that you checked into Starbucks with another person? I, personally, don't. So I disabled it.

I have to admit that for a long time I was very much into updating my status, etc. But I have come to realize something: people generally don't care. I have deleted people for flooding my feed with rants and raves about things that maybe 5 people get, or with posting cryptic updates that people try and figure out what's wrong. Same with Twitter, which I have, and almost enjoy more than Facebook, because I can get links to things I actually care about.

It's the same with texting. I used to be a textaholic, and felt like my whole arm was missing if I didn't have my phone. Part of that was living in a different city than my significant other, and the majority of our conversations being via phone or text every day. Since the move, my phone isn't as much of a necessity. This past Saturday I left my phone behind and spent the whole afternoon downtown with Richard. I connected with people face to face, I had a conversation with the girl that made my sandwich instead of my face having the glow of my phone screen. I enjoyed the nice weather, watched a wedding party getting their pictures taken at Monument Circle, ate outside, explored a museum, and talked with Richard, instead of posting that I was doing each of those things. It was touching base as a couple, but for me, it was getting back into the swing of life.

I think because of being in such an intense program for so long, I became co-dependent with my phone. It was my lifeline for my emails, to get in touch with group members, etc., AND to feel the need to immediately respond. Now, I leave my phone on the charger and check it periodically, and I never take it into the gym. It's nice to just breathe and enjoy life without feeling so available all the time. No wonder people are stressed out and can't relax!

There was always a rule in my house(s) growing up: no TV on during dinner. I still instill that in my house, even though there aren't any kids there. No TV or cell phones at dinner. Also no cell phones when you are having a conversation with someone in person. I understand sometimes you can't help it, but when I'm talking to someone and their phone goes off and they immediately respond to it, it just sets me off and the conversation (at least on my end) is over. Put the stupid thing away! Focus on what is in front of you, really enjoy the moment, grasp the sacred, prize the privacy, and for God's sakes don't Facebook or Tweet about it.